Understanding The Leaders’ Retreat

"The Japanese word shibui summarizes all the best in life,

yet has no explanation and cannot be translated.

A person is said to be shibui when

he or she greatly contributes to others

without doing anything to draw attention to self.

The retreat is VERY shibui."

Derick Tagawa, DDS, Whittier, California

2003. On a drive up Highway 101 from Santa Clara, California, I receive a request to design a Leaders' Retreat and make it available to the public. The request is from George Hersh, Owner/CEO of the GMJ Companies. The idea - bring together a small mix of men and women from diverse backgrounds who understand that their lives impact the lives of others. Potential attendees need to make application on their own or be invited. Who to come? Business leaders, students, artists, moms and dads and grandparents, athletes, managers, academics, teachers, professionals, military and former military, retirees and young people: basically, cut across the spectrum of experience, skills, levels of income and educations, political and spiritual beliefs.

George’s motivation? He had just spent an exceptional weekend retreat with Dr. Kathleen Kane and me that we had put together for the University of San Francisco (USF) available to MBA candidates, alumni, staff, faculty and family – and guests. Our USF weekend included ample time for attendees to interact and relax, to study and play, to refresh and reflect – but MOST IMPORTANTLY to immerse themselves in The Dialogue Method – meaningful, purposeful talk and listening generated through experiential means.

Kathy was responsible for my introduction to The Dialogue Method. She was using it to enhance the core MBA Leadership Course at USF. Dialogue, as both art form and skill, requires keen attention and practice. It linguistically connects the right and left-brain functions. The word sounds simple, and it is. But by no means is the method accomplished without effort, focus and attention to mindful service to all involved. Dialogue empowers individuals, couples and teams to engage with each other in an effort to build understanding and deepen learning.

Persons often come together from polarized perspectives loaded with conflicting agenda. Therefore one’s attitude must be disciplined to listening and learning rather than convincing, cajoling, belittling or debating. Briefly stated, when I first encountered Kathy’s students in Dialogue, I saw, felt and experienced the same principles that are richly present in aikido. Yes, Dialogue is verbal, but it begs attention to individual and group reactions/responses experienced emotionally and physically.

George Hersh comes from a hectic service industry integrating multiple companies engaged with each other, the public, private businesses and government agencies across time zones in diverse transportation, moving/storage and records keeping businesses. He owns Sports Associated, Inc.; Topeka Transfer & Storage,; Capital City Distribution; Professional Records Management; O’Neil Relocation; etc. He entered our USF weekend filled with anticipation and a definite need to relax. His businesses demanded that he remain home and at work. Yet, he understood that the time for a retreat is often when it is least convenient to take the time to relax, i.e. when pressures are at their highest. What he found was exactly what he needed. Fresh ideas. New interpretations. Supportive communications. Rich experiences transporting him out of his norm. Positive and constructive perspectives and feedback. And a physical body (his) freed from tension and tightened muscles. He left refreshed and keenly more aware of what he could do to better problem solve, save time, energize, communicate and focus. On this basis came his request to me.

2004. The first Leaders’ Retreat – Scottsdale, Arizona. There were a handful of us. George, plus: a long-time friend of mine who owned a medical equipment company outside of Phoenix; an orthodontist from the Los Angeles area; the director of in-home services for two California counties (himself a paraplegic); a senior vice-president of a global construction firm; a fellow in the real estate development business. What to do? – Dialogue, exercise our bodies, we play one constricted form of nine-hole golf that was quite revealing, Dialogue, take walks together and read, Dialogue, watch films, Dialogue, eat meals together, Dialogue, throw out ideas to assist our individual personal and professional lives, Dialogue and … Dialogue. At the end of three days we looked around and asked ourselves “Why stop?, When can we do this again?” So, a second Leaders’ Retreat was scheduled for the following year.

The second Leaders’ Retreat – Scottsdale. One year later. Some of the same people returned. Others joined in. What to do? - Dialogue, exercise our bodies (we integrated some aikido movements), Dialogue, eat meals together, Dialogue, take walks together, Dialogue, one person took time for a massage, Dialogue … get the picture? In other words – we kept things simple, purposeful and definitely in the Here & Now. At the end of three days the response - “Why stop?” Someone suggested, “This should be made available every six months, whether I can come or not. Give me a winter option and a summer option.” Another requested – “Scottsdale is great, but can you find somewhere out in nature, somewhere that we can get away from pavement and traffic and phones and restaurants and the stuff that’s normally in our lives?”

Another year later. The third Leaders’ Retreat. We are now using Four Springs Retreat Center, Middletown, California www.FourSprings.org. Some of the same folks return. Others join in. Our schedule expands by a full day. What to do? Guess. You got it – Select topics for self-study, Dialogue, take walks in the forest, Dialogue, laugh together, Dialogue, integrate somatic work, Dialogue, etc. On the second day a real Type-A businessman who spends most of his time traveling the globe makes an odd request, “Can you get me some construction paper, some colored pencils and chalk?” We do. He spirits himself away for that day into the small art studio under pine trees on the property. That evening he returns grinning and whistling with a pile of drawings to take home, “I’ve been jamming at life so hard that I’d forgotten what it’s all about,” he says. “How young and alive I used to feel and how important my wife and kids are. These are for them.” The same guy cooks supper for us all on our last evening together– traditional homemade Japanese cooking - another art form that he had set aside that once kept his youthful juices flowing.

The fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, etc. Leaders’ Retreat (How many by now? I’m not counting anymore.) We’ve long since established (as requested) a six-month schedule with both winter and summer offerings. Four Springs Retreat Center is now our home for many years. What’s been added: walks through the forests to enhance situational awareness, centering practices, somatic education, Feldenkrais Method® classes, use of TED films to stimulate thought and understanding, music, creative cooking experiences, creative problem solving activities, a class to assist understanding the health benefits of herb and plants found in the forests we occupy – plus more. Yet, remaining consistent throughout is The Dialogue Method. Thank you Dr. Kathy Kane – who by now has attended The Leaders’ Retreat and is always an invited guest.

Who attends the Leaders’ Retreat? As the years have unfolded a number from our first two offerings held in Scottsdale continue to return, plus others: women and men from the broad spectrum of experiences, ages, beliefs and backgrounds. A retired school principal, a former professional baseball player, two young professionals both graduates from USF who (having remembered their days at the retreat Kathy and I created) jumped at their chance to come – and each more than once, a retired park ranger, a young man from Mexico who is into mixed martial arts, another from Mexico who delivers educational programs for children, a magazine publisher, a former Army Special Forces LT Colonel, a single mom raising two young boys, married couples attending together to get-away, an executive and a shift manager from a Native American casino, attorneys, a chef, financial planners, the former manager of a radio station, a consulting engineer key who played a key roll in cleaning up the mess that Boeing has made with their 757 aircraft, a retired military chief warrant officer, real estate brokers, a woman who owns and operates vacation rental properties in three states, and many other people.

Is the Leaders’ Retreat for you? It is certainly designed with you and your well being in mind. To understand its essence you need to grasp the notion that you are already a leader, i.e. that being a leader means you are indeed a person who in some way influences others to action. This fundamental and key principle was put strongly forth at West Point, the school I attended many years ago. It holds that being a leader is not dependent on rank or position or job title or level of education or the amount of money one has in the bank or gender or length of time on the planet or religious affiliation, etc. etc.

What The Leaders Retreat is NOT. It is not a “management” retreat, nor is it an “executive” retreat, nor a “bosses” retreat. It is NOT even a “leadership” retreat. And, it definitely is NOT a golf outing offered in disguise so that good old boys can sit around, chew the fat and tell each other worn out stories (and yes, as mentioned above, we did use golf at one retreat as a metaphor). This is The Leaders’ Retreat, i.e. a gathering of sincere individuals who understand their lives influence other lives, and who want to enhance their capacity to influence by taking time to rejuvenate, relax and exercise, deal with abstractions, think and play, study and serve themselves and others for the sake of creating a healthier and more constructive world – beginning with their own.

Our time together is simple and fulfilling, skill building and enriching, thought provoking and reflective. It is conducted in a most respectful, peaceful and pressure-free environment, void of criticism and “have to’s”. Moreover, the Leaders’ Retreat is a place where Dialogue is encouraged, studied, embodied and practiced.

To obtain an application for the Leaders’ Retreat download pdf document “Leaders’ Retreat Invitation” found at www.AlliedRonin.com/services.htm. To register for the July 16-20 Summer 2011 Leaders’ Retreat call 707-769-0328 or email your completed application to AlliedRonin@aol.com or info@AlliedRonin.com.

It will be great to have you there.

“Very rewarding!

If your life makes a difference in the lives of others

then I highly recommend you attend

for yourself, your family, and your colleagues.”

Dr. Lulu Lopez, Former Principal

Mt Vernon Community Schools, Alexandria, Virginia

Seating Capacity 79

Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable

Mary Oliver

A February Friday evening at 7:15 p.m. I am standing inside the William J Geery Theater on Sacramento's "I Street". It's slightly warmer here than on the street, and it's definitely not warm out there. Fortunate. Nick, my son, has access and is able to get us in well before the show. He's only twenty-three, yet quite an accomplished musician - great on trumpet, sousaphone and tuba, xylophone, accordion, guitar and base, vocals and a bit of sax. But the piano and keys - he's unreal! His talents years ago opened a door to his leadership - Tonight's performance, "Personals", is just one on his growing resume' as an orchestra leader.

Nick promised me the best seat in the house - front row, second chair from the left. I don't know what the deal is, but he grinned wide as he told me that. So, I have a feeling there's a risk involved. But when is life not. I've thrice been to his performances of "The Rocky Horror Show". Those of you who've been to a live "Rocky" can appreciate what it's like to be in the audience - especially when cast, crew or orchestra tell you they are giving you something special.

Tonight's doors open in thirty minutes. A few folks are beginning to gather outside. Soon they'll be in here with me and help warm up this place. Like I said, I'm fortunate. At the rear of the theater a posted a sign declares, "Seating Capacity 79". Full House here is relative term. It depends on your point of view. How full is full?

This "Seating Capacity 79" gets me thinking and I find myself wondering about my internal "seating capacity"? When it comes to my willingness to let other in and understand and learn from them. How many "seats" inside me do I have before I become "full"? Within the "theater of my mind" who is actually plays the part - the roles that are unfolding? When I speak is it really me who is doing the talking? Or my father or mother? And, for what purpose? How about you? Your maximum capacities? Who and how many are allows to get in with you, and what about your internal role plays, etc.? When it comes to having, holding and examining perspectives - and dealing with conflicts or inflexibilities that perspectives and perceptions can generate - how much room do you have? How much room do you make? How much room do you give others? Before the door closes.

I look at my watch. Weird, it's actually been about seventy-nine hours (coincidence?) from my arrival back after four weeks of travel that carried me from Northern California to the Puyallup Nation of Washington State; to Brisbane and the Gold Coast and Bond University of Australia; to Malaca and Kuala Lumpur and Sepang of Malaysia; then back to Australia and the international airport of Sydney ... and finally to this front row seat inside of a tiny theater buried deep within Sacramento. What's happened since I left? Gas has gone from $3.20 to $4 per gallon. One of my dearest friends and has undergone brain surgery. The streets I familiarized five months ago in Cairo have been filled and bloodied and transformed beyond my wildest imaginings. Colleagues there have gone silent. Governments across North Africa are teetering or have toppled. Christchurch, New Zealand has been slammed to the earth by the earth. I listened to it unfold over lunch at the Sydney airport. The Academy Awards have come and (yawn) gone. And Charlie Sheen has been - well - Charlie Sheen. Wonder what Britney is up to? (no I don't)

Some years ago, Dr. Kathleen Kane introduced me to a practice called "Dialogue". We all know that word, yes? "di·a·logue (noun) a conversation between two or more people as a feature of a book, play, or movie" [Oxford American Dictionaries]. But this thing she introduced me to went way beyond that -- it captured me into a skill building process of listening and self-examination. Capture? Yep - I'm still there. Kathy uses Dialogue as a key teaching/learning methodology in MBA management and leadership courses at the University of San Francisco. In a way Dialogue incorporates the most basic and elemental principles of the martial art aikido, that I grapple with four days a week. Those principles being: (1) full presence; (2) gracefully moving around a center point; (3) being always willing to enter into a risky situations; (4) blending, blending, blending no matter the cost; (5) adherence to respectful interrupting; (6) maintenance of comportment, integrity and dignity; (7) proper distance and boundaries; (9) proper timing; and (10) knowing when to stop, i.e. shut up!

Here then for your use, is Dialogue - A Method for Enhancing Capacities for Effective Communication, exactly as it was given to me by Dr. Kane. Take it on this month. You just might expand your internal "seating capacity". But you can survive without it. You can always have your old self to hang around with and be right about what you've been right about all along. And things can be (or seem to be) just the way you want them.

~~~

DIALOGUE

Rather than a set of rules, these are reminders of the level of attention that lies at the core of Dialogue. They are aids to enhance the capacity of awareness of our thoughts, feelings, communications, assumptions and judgments - all of which help attend to the meaning unfolding within relationships, groups, teams and organizations.

Building Blocks to Dialogue. These involve learning a new way of being together and interacting. They involve skills that overlap and interweave.

Suspension of Judgment. Because our normal way of thinking divides, distinguishes and creates "ultimate truths" from limited data, it is often difficult for us to stay open to new and alternative views of reality. When we learn to "suspend judgment", we are able to see other points of view, and we hold our own positions "lightly". It is not that we do away with judgments, rather we learn to suspend them to become open to other perspectives and build a more holistic view of our world.

Assumption Identification. The opinions and judgments we hold are usually based on layers of assumptions, inferences and generalizations. Failure to look at the belief systems behind important decisions is often a cause of disappointing results. As we learn to identify our assumptions, we are able to correct incoherencies, explore our differences with others, and build common ground; these are useful skills when working with learning new concepts and ideas, sharing diverse perspectives, and conflict resolution.

Listening. The focus here is on how the way we listen impacts our ability to learn and our effectiveness in building quality relationships. We develop our capacity to stay present and open to the meaning arising at both individual and collective levels.

Inquiry and Reflection. Einstein said, "Our problems cannot be solved at the same level at which they were created." By learning how to ask questions that lead to new levels of understanding, we accelerate our collective learning and gain greater awareness of our own and others' thinking. Through this building block, we reach what David Bohm called the "subtle state of mind" and gain the sensitivity to perceive the thinking process itself and the subtler levels of collective meaning.

Guidelines for Dialogue. Each time a group (or two people) comes together to Dialogue they commit to agreed upon guidelines, the primary function of which is to act as a reminder of an alternate way of being and communicating and of the need for heightened awareness and attention. Some useful guidelines are:

· Listen and speak without judgment

· Speak only for yourself, truthfully

· Acknowledge each speaker

· Respect differences (suspend certainties)

· Suspend role and status importance

· Balance inquiry and advocacy

· Avoid cross-talk

· Focus on learning

· Seek the next level of understanding in order to expand the inquiry

· Balance speaking and listening

Held lightly, the guidelines and building blocks will help groups enter into Dialogue. Held too firmly, they will trap the group in just one more structure and limiting system. Above all else, Dialogue is a living process that requires us to be open to letting go of the known in order to discover new perspectives and understanding.

A Shorthand To Dialogue - The Power of Collective Thinking

· Speak only for yourself, truthfully

· Include what has already been said

· Operate in a more of inquiry - Expand it - Slow it down

· Be aware of internal reactions, motivations, thoughts and feelings

· Be aware of the external conditions of the group

A February Friday. It's 8 p.m. We're all seated and about to watch from individual perspectives our evening of "Personals" unfold. I know I have the best seat in the house. Nick told me so. I'll need to wait to discover just how come. Meanwhile - I look up - his face grows intense. His hands steady above the piano keys. His head takes up a nodding rhythm, and on one of his particular nods the orchestra explodes. I glace around. The house is about 80% full (or 20% empty depending on perspective). Four actors well into their alternative realities rock the stage. I drift into another world for a while just to let all sink in.

Wild Geese (a poem by Mary Oliver)

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebble of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -

over and over announcing your place

in the family.